My
birthday is tomorrow—the big 8-0—and I still have more questions than answers.
Here are some of them:
--When did so much packaging become
impenetrable? How do people without well-equipped workshops, including power
tools, get some packages open?
--Why
does cold or snowy winter weather in the North regularly rate featured
treatment on national newscasts?
--Do
those who favor abolishing EPA-enforced protections have private sources of
water to drink or air to breathe?
--Does
anyone claim he reads the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition for the stories?
--Why
is “automatic renewal” permitted by law?
It makes you stand on your head to prevent being charged for things you
no longer want.
--When did men’s hairstyles get sillier than
women’s?
--Why
do many motorcyclists eschew helmets? In any contest between their skulls and
the pavement the pavement is sure to win.
--If
Major League baseball really wants to streamline its games why does it permit
all those committee meetings on the mounds, or playing catch between outs?
--Relatedly,
why does it persist in chalking first- and -third-base coaches’ boxes? The next
time a coach steps in one will be the first.
--Will
anyone be using Facebook a year from now if every third entry still is an ad?
And when did Google become primarily an ad vehicle instead of a search engine?
I now mostly use Yahoo for that.
--Is
there any reason to be polite to unwanted sales callers? Cursing out those pests
is therapeutic.
--In
yearning for the “good old days,” does anyone wish to trade today’s cars for
the ones we had then?
--Has
Lincoln’s line about fooling some of the people all of the time ever applied
better than to Trump and his “base”?
--How
many hundreds of times do I have to X out the box to install Internet Explorer
11 before it goes away for good?
--Are
you pleased when a phone query to an American company is answered by a call
center in the Philippines? At least you can learn how the weather is in Manila.
--Haven’t
you had it with all those gunky corporate names on ball parks and arenas? The
Chicago White Sox’s Guaranteed Rate Park takes the cake.
--As an
older person, aren’t you offended by those TV ads for such oldster-aimed dodges
as reverse mortgages or investments in gold baubles? Henry Winkler and Tom
Selleck should be ashamed of themselves for appearing in them.
--Why
is it that when you have a 20-minute doctor’s appointment the doctor spends 15
minutes looking at his computer and five minutes looking at you?
--When
did “less” become the all-purpose word for reduction? Does anyone still know
the difference between “less” and “fewer”?
--Is it
possible to open one of those foil butter packets in a restaurant without
getting the butter all over your fingers?
--Why
can you instantly e-message anyone overseas but international mail has only
about a 50% chance of arriving intact 10 days later? I’m talking about Europe
here, not Timbuktu.
--Doesn’t
it seem like the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox play each other about 30
times a season and every one of the games is on ESPN?
--Is
there a dumber TV cliché than broadcasters sending their reporters out into the
tempest to show the ferocity of a storm? Sticking their cameras out the window
would convey the same info with much less risk.
--Don’t
those “save the date” cards for coming events make you a bit uneasy? Doesn’t it
seem like you might not make the cut to get an actual invitation?
--Have you noticed that American college-football
fans have taken to wearing team scarves, just like the supporters of British
football (i.e., soccer) teams? Is there
any better evidence of the impact that Premier League telecasts are having on
these shores?
-- How many people have to die
before our legislatures decide that allowing just about anybody to purchase the
equivalent of machine guns is a bad thing? What “right” is involved in
permitting individuals to have personal arsenals that could supply an infantry company?
--Is any industry in America more
hated than cable-TV providers? In my last phone call for technical assistance
it took 40 minutes and four “technicians” to find a cure that involved punching
single button on my remote. FYI, my provider is Cox.
--Why
do people bother watching the scores of NBA games? They should be regarded as
performance art, like ballet or Cirque du Soleil.
Just
askin’.
3 comments:
And "amen".
Happy birthday, Fred. We still use 19-38 as the channel code on our radios.
What?! 80?! I swear I just attended your 70th a few months ago. In any event here's wishing you Many Happy Returns of the Day!
(As for your adventures with Cox, I ditched them years ago -- probably before you were 70. I felt they played their customers for suckers, and I didn't like the implication of being a Cox sucker.)
Enjoy the three score and twenty candles on the birthday cake and for your diminutive spouse's sake please ensure it is MSG free.......
As usual an insightful and thought provoking column. You may be 80 in physical years but yours is a youthful mind. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!
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